Her Black feminist foremothers told her, " Eventually, if we speak the truth to each other, it will become unavoidable to ourselves," and that a commitment to telling the truth is "the first step in any process of self-recovery." With tears in her eyes, she attempted to search deep within her soul for the truth. Had she ever known the truth? She had always lied to herself. She had always been lied to. Her foremothers told her that her people had been conditioned to lie for protection...to live, but her lies were killing her. The truth is she was afraid of being alone because when alone she would be forced to face pain, loss, hate, love that was lost, tears, and all of her fears. The pain of losing someone so near so soon, a phenomenon that would continue throughout her life. She had lost a mother when she was seven, a best-friend when she was eight, brothers when she was nine, a father because he was lost without her mother. She had lost so much so young, and now the truth was she didn't know how to get it back. Another truth that she failed to recognize earlier is that she attempted to fill those voids with the companionship and compassion of others. Boys and men had become her drug. Making her forget, but only temporarily because each moment of passion ended with either them or her dashing...away. As she grew older some men whispered promises to remain in her life, but she pushed them away. The ones she wanted, she got, but she only liked the chase. She would move one, silently, and with grace. Never calling them again, leaving them with hopes for more. Even the longest relationship she had started because of the chase, and then, then, it just got boring. She was not happy because she was not happy with her self. Tears come to her eyes just thinking about it, but she is focused on telling the truth. The truth was she was not ready to find love because she had not found love in herself. The truth was she could never replace the presence of a mother, one's first friendship, brothers who were lost themselves, and a father who ran away to deal with the pain.
To be continued...
